Yes, it’s delicious, but some folks need to stop dancing around the fact that we’re eating chocolate sandwiches. I’m a grown woman, I know when I’m eating a chocolate sandwich. I accepted that as soon as I licked my finger and went “goddamn that’s delicious, find me something edible I can spoon this shit onto before I just start scooping it out with my hands!” I’m good with it.
What I’m not good with are these yuppies who are trying to pretend that that’s not what’s going on. What happened is, they got a spoonful of it in their mouth for the first time and all of a sudden shit was way too real. They lost their goddamn minds and couldn’t come to terms with their circumstances.
“You dunno what you’re talking about! Its hazelnut spread- with cocoa! It’s got a subtle chocolate flavor, that’s why I like it!”
Okay, motherfucker, really…that’s what you’re bringing to my doorstep? Whatever you have to tell yourself. I know and YOU know that you’re spreading icing on a biscuit. Let’s stop bullshittin like we’re not buying a jar of chocolate and get serious.
Let’s also talk about the fact that on average 4-6 tablespoons out of every jar of nutella will wind up on either a nipple or a penis..usually both. Let’s let that cat permanently out of the bag. I see you. With your bag of bagel chips in one hand and a jar of Nutella in the other like “yea, no, its good like this. No yea, its..mm, its just gonna be super tasty”. Looking around all shifty eyed. I know you, okay. I know that you know that I KNOW that you KNOW THAT I KNOW that that Nutella you’ve got clutched in your paw is going in someone’s ass crack TONIGHT. Don’t bring me that “hazelnut spread you should try it on pretzels” bullshit. I’m suuuure its good on pretzels. Its probably also fantastic on a taint, it’s a goddamn jar of chocolate.